If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
