There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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