he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When are your genitals available?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
