Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
