I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize