So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize