I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
