I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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