Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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