I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh god it's open bar.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
