I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just found puke in my bra..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize