Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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