Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
