I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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