Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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