Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
