I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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