I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
