well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
