So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
