i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
