as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize