i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize