just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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