Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
