i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My feet surprised me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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