Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
