I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
