I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
