She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize