He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize