my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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