I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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