Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
