Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
