How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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