So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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