i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
