MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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