so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
