i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
