ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
