I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
