So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
