They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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