You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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