The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize