Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
