One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
