My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
