i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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