I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
