My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
