put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
