So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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