She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
