dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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