I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Life is so much better after having sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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