pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
