My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
