She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
