After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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