Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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