Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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