my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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