I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
