I got chris browned last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
