I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she told me i tasted like america
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
