Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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