two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
