oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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