Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
