There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
