I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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