If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
